


A Few Horrible Starkfredi Crack Fics

by angelatwell



Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: Crack, Groundhog Heads, Guest star Wilkes, Lawnmowers, M/M, Mary Poppins Bag, idk this is ridiculous akdjsjdjs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2020-06-27 10:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19788721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelatwell/pseuds/angelatwell
Summary: A thot, a pasta chef, and their lawnnmower adventures.





	1. Wanna Mow ME?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [peggyismywife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/peggyismywife/gifts).



> Happy birthday Amloth!!!!
> 
> To quickly (lmao "quickly") explain the timeline of events for everybody: in April, I wrote a stupid Starkfredi fanfic called "Wanna Mow _Me_?", based off of [this](https://sapphicsamwise.tumblr.com/post/184462925009/by-far-the-whitest-thing-my-family-has-ever-done) post of Amloth's. I didn't post the fanfic bc like,, it was stupid, but I sent it to them privately bc they wanted to see it (the post was actually made so that I could reblog it and tag it as Starkfredi lmao. They had originally just DMd it to me). A couple weeks ago, I asked them what they wanted for their birthday, and they said they wanted me to post the fic, hence why I'm here. BUT since I lov them so much I actually wrote another one too, based on [this](https://sapphicsamwise.tumblr.com/post/186034976329/well-i-just-had-to-bury-a-groundhog-head-in-the) post, with a lil easter egg from [this](https://sapphicsamwise.tumblr.com/post/186169850069/river-i-just-found-a-picture-of-my-dad-in-college) post.
> 
> Anyway, after the longest ramble that man has ever seen, enjoy.

Howard was mowing his lawn. It was mid-summer, but today wasn’t one of the hotter days. It was still hot, but more of a pleasant sort of warmth, than a scorching inferno. Howard enjoyed this weather, as it was good for wearing thotty clothes.

Today, he was sporting a bedazzled hot pink crop top, which he had DIYed, and black booty shorts with a picture of his face on the ass. These were also DIYed.

So anyway, he was cruising along, not a care in the world, listening to the sound of happy birds, and smelling the smell of cut grass which hung in the air around him, when he spotted something.

A very sexy man, on a very sexy mower. 

The man was wearing an amount of gel in his hair that Howard previously didn't know existed in the whole world, knee-high boots, despite its being Summer, and a t-shirt which had nothing but a picture of spaghetti on it. 

Howard was obviously smitten immediately, and rode over to talk to him.

“So,” he began, as he approached, “come here often?”

The stranger blinked. “This is my garden.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” Howard responded, with a flip of his hair. “What’s your name? I’m Howard Stark.”

“Joseph Manfredi.”

“Ooh, sexy name. Anywho, I see you’re mowing your lawn. Whaddaya say to mowing,,, _me_?”

Joseph shrugged. “Sure, man.”

And the rest is history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The extra stupid fic I wrote is in chapter 2 uwu


	2. A Groundhog Head

Joey had been making a delicious dinner of plain pasta sauce with no pasta, when he heard the sound of crying. He’d recognise his husband’s dramatic weeping anywhere, so he hung up his apron, turned the stove on low, and followed the noise.

It led him out to the garden, where Howard was hunched over the ground over a pile of broken glass, and his flamingo, Bernard, was pecking at what looked like an animal head of some kind. Seeing absolutely no way to guess what this situation was, he did the obvious thing, and asked.

“Darling, what happened?”

As soon as he received the smallest ounce of attention, Howard’s wails ceased, and he looked up at Joseph, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I was outside having a nice ride on the mower, and trying to drink a raspberry sgroppino with my feet, when I saw Bernard pecking away at something on the ground. I got off the mower to investigate, and it was, wait for it… a groundhog head!”

“Jeez.”

“But wait, I haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet. When I saw it, I—” he cut himself off with a sob— “I got so startled that I dropped my raspberry sgroppino!” The moment he got the sentence out, he broke down crying again, burying his head in Joseph’s chest.

Joseph looked the offending flamingo in the eye. “That wasn’t very gay rights of you, buddy.”

Bernard angrily protested with a squawk.

Once Howard’s cries had subsided a little, Joseph proposed a solution. “Alright, I got an idea. You clean up this glass, and I’m gonna go bury this groundhog head in the woods, so that you can go on your mower ride in peace. I’ll make you a new raspberry sgroppino to have with dinner, capisce?”

Howard nodded, with a sniff. 

After burying the groundhog head, Joseph went back to making dinner, Howard went back to his mower ride, and Bernard… went back to hunting for groundhogs.

It was going to be a rough summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so bad kdjsjdjsja but I hope u liked it


	3. A Lethal Disease

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS AMLOTH!!!! I hope you enjoy these 500 words of Howard being a dumbass lmao

Howard and Joey were taking a nice ride around the garden in their freshly-bedazzled lawnmower, when Howard turned to his husband and said,

“Bae, do you think it’d be a good idea to add a turbo speed mode to the mower?”

“Um,,,, no. I think that would be a pretty bad idea actually.”

“It would probably be pretty easy,” Howard continued, ignoring the discouragement, “in fact, I could do it right now!”

“Please don’t, Howie.”

“What am I waiting for??”

“Um. Let me call Wilkes.” 

“Oh, great idea!! I could use his help.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a short phone call and a little while of waiting, the doorbell rang. When Joey opened it, Wilkes had arrived, carrying a small briefcase. 

“Doc! I’m so glad you’re here,” Joey cried, patting him on the back. “I think Howard’s out of his mind.”

“Yeah, you mentioned something like that on the phone. May I see him?”

“Of course, come this way.”

Joey led Wilkes through a maze of winding passages, archways, and stairs, until they finally reached the 8th living room, where he had left Howard.

“Hello Gorgeous! Doctor Wilkes has very kindly agreed to come and check to see if there’s anything wrong with your brain,” Joey explained, sitting down on the couch next to his husband, and patting his hand. “Don’t worry, it won’t be scary, and I’ll be right here.”

“Now, where did I put that hammer?” Wilkes thought aloud. He had put the briefcase on the floor, and was rummaging through it, pulling out a ridiculous number of items. So far, the pile on the floor consisted of a hairdryer, a sandwich that looked at least eight months old, four lab coats, a ceiling fan, and a rubber ducky. 

“Ah!” he exclaimed, a moment later. “Here it is. Now, hold still…” 

He approached Howard with the hammer, which was made of plastic, and looked to be from a children’s toy tool set. 

“Will this give me a concussion?” Howard asked, calm as anything.

“It shouldn’t, but we’ll have to see.” 

Bonk! The hammer came down on Howard’s head. 

“Owie,” he whimpered, rubbing the spot where he had been hit. 

Wilkes pushed his hand away to examine the crash site, and then made various hmm-ing noises.

“As I thought. Now, where’s the thermometer?”

Several tests later, and a large collection of random objects on the floor, Wilkes stood up and nodded.

“I have the diagnosis.”

“Oh jeez Doc, is it serious??” Joey asked, his voice laced with anxiety.

“I’m afraid so. He has,,,,,,,,, an extreme case of dumbass disease. And it’s incurable.”

Howard beamed proudly, at the same moment that Joey began to weep.

“Don’t worry,” Wilkes continued, “it's manageable. I would suggest filling a spray bottle up with water, and just spraying him when he’s thinking of doing anything dangerous. Wait!—” he exclaimed, looking around the room— “I think I took a spray bottle out of the suitcase at some point.”

Indeed, there was one under the coffee table, right next to the PlayStation 2 and the cookbook, both of which he had also taken out earlier. He picked it up and handed it to Joey, who nodded solemnly, wiping the tears from his eyes. 

“Thanks Doc, you were a big help.”

“Anytime.”

“So, Jason,” Howard piped up, “wanna help me with the turbo mower?” 

Joey sprayed the water at him. 


End file.
